NOW I Know What Fear Feels Like

I went shopping today with Hannah while having my car serviced, and emerged a new kind of mother: one who thought, for a brief and terrifying moment, that she may have lost her child.

I don't want to be melodramatic here, because the truth is, I knew deep down in my mommy gut that she was somewhere in that store.  But the thought crossed my mind, for a fraction of a second, that maybe I was wrong and she wasn't.  It entered into my consciousness that I could lose my child.

So Hannah is in the dressing room with me while I try on clothes.  Things are going well.  This particular dressing room has curtains instead of doors, and naturally, Hannah chooses the moment I have become topless to make a break for it.  "Hannah, stop please.  Listen to your mama.  Come back here," I say calmly as I hurry to make myself decent.  Then I emerge from the dressing room, confident that I will find her within 10 feet or so.

Instead, I see a store full of people who definitely did NOT see a toddler dashing by, unattended.  I called her name.  Nothing.  She has never hidden from me, and there's really nowhere to hide in this store.  I look back at our dressing room to see her beloved monkey and the doll my mom bought her for Christmas laying on the floor, and I have my moment.  It was a completely internalized moment of indescribable dread.  Did some creep come in off the street and snatch her as I was pulling a shirt on?  Was she so fast that she made it out the front door without anyone noticing?  Oh my god, I think my whole life just changed forever.  This all happened in approximately one half of one second, and only another parent knows just how keenly one can feel something in such a short period of time.

Then, knowing Hannah as I do, I spot the most clearly off-limits part of the store, will myself to keep breathing, and find her quietly heading down the back staircase.  I hurried down to meet her, crouched down in front of her and told her "Hannah, honey, don't ever run away like that again.  Mommy was so scared.  I thought I lost you, and I love you more than anything in the world."  She must have sensed the truth of my fear, because then she made a sad face, said "Mommy" and gave me a bear hug.  Sorry for the melodrama, but I swear my love for her grew exponentially in that moment, when both of us understood that we cannot take each other for granted.  (At least, I assume that's what she understood - it was likely much less profound!)

In the spirit of Bill Maher, I have 3 "New Rules."
1.  New Rule - Unless I can immediately break into a dead sprint after my child, I will strap her down in some fashion.  Monkey backpack/leash/harness thingy, stroller, Ergo, carseat or highchair. 
2.  New Rule - I will call my mom and dad and tell them, again, how sorry I am for doing things like not coming home at night when I was in high school.  I guess that's not really a rule, but still. 
3.  New Rule - I will eliminate distractions when I am with my child, because clearly everything can change in a nanosecond. 

And in case anyone reading this plans to open a retail clothing store, may I suggest childproof dressing room doors?  Please and thank you.