I'd Focus on My Breath if Only I Could Catch It...: July 2012

Last time I wrote, I was just about to step out of the whirlwind of my first year as a full-time working mom. I made it through approximately 170 5am wake ups, and nearly as many dark and rainy commutes to Seatac with my toddler. I was running mile 26. I used up all of my sick days and then some, on actually being sick. (A side effect of only stopping to sleep.) I had just been cussed out by a student, which seemed so important then, and now seems like it happened in another life.

That is the miracle of summer. Teaching is one of the only professions in which you get to have a pretend life for several months out of the year, for which you continue to get paid. I would argue that teaching is also one of only a handful of professions in which this is absolutely necessary to avoid complete and total burnout. Teaching is, after all, the 2nd most stressful job in the world, I hear. Second only to air traffic controllers. (I didn't make that up, but I'm not saying it's gospel.)

But this is not a post about teaching. It is a post about getting to play the part of a stay-at-home mom for a few months, and how the grass is always greener. It is also about ice cream melting on sticky toddler hands, my naked daughter running through the sprinkler, sleeping in, and basically having a two-month weekend.

I love being a mom. I love reading board books, playing silly games, taking classes with Hannah and learning how to appreciate a life that is simpler, slower and a whole lot less sexy than a life without children. I don't love being hit in the face repeatedly at nap time, and I don't love grocery store tantrums. But at the end of the day, being a mom is the absolute best part of my life. So it's hard to face going back to work eight hours a day, even if it is to a job I truly love. It is fulfilling, and absolutely necessary, so I strive to be the best mom I can be and be as present as I can for my child the other 16 hours of the day that I am physically in her presence. But it's hard.

See, there's not really a place for working moms in society. You're not able to be nearly as dedicated and ambitious as your colleagues. Suddenly all their dedication and ambition seem kind of stupid to you. You also don't get to connect with other moms in the way you would if you were at every play group and every enriching toddler class. Right now, today, I feel like a stay at home mom. I'm tired and could really use some intellectual stimulation, but knowing that will come, I am loving every minute of this. But come August 23rd, I fear I'll be back to feeling like I live in no-woman's land. Because, you see, other full-time working moms absolutely do not have time to form working moms play groups. Grocery shopping and is a bit of a stretch (thank you for existing, Amazon Fresh).

So I try to just embrace that this is my path. I love my work, I love parenting, and I have a very full and a little bit crazy life. Right now I get to enjoy a short season of undivided devotion to my role as mother, so I suppose the only thing to do is just enjoy.

And now for a little taste of our sticky, silly, wonderful summer so far. =)

Facing down the fountain at Crossroads Park