Taking of 3 1/2, possibly 4 1/2 days out of 5 in a week is not as relaxing as it sounds. Not when the cause is a sick toddler and you spend the whole time feeling guilty for:
1) Wishing you were at work and she were at daycare because it's stressful to have your routine interrupted (and you know you're walking back into chaos when you DO get back to work)
2) Exposing her, via daycare, to the germs that have made her sick
3) Doing whatever you did or failed to do, which resulted in her being sick
4) Feeling inexplicably stir-crazy because you haven't left the house in DAYS, and even though she is amazing, it's not actually all that stimulating to be stuck inside with a headstrong toddler for days on end
5) Being a bad teacher who has subs all week
6) Pretty much choosing the wrong path through life
So, you know, damned if you do and damned if you don't. It takes me back to a post I wrote as I anticipated the end of summer, in which I reflected on feeling like there's no real place for women in society who are mothers and who still have careers. You sort of always feel like a mild failure as a parent AND a professional. And while I know I am not actually a failure in either domain, it's just HARD.
But, every cloud has a silver lining! I have taken a long nap on each of these days I've been home. We have made pancakes on multiple mornings. I have gotten to hear Hannah's vocabulary expand in several directions. My pretend play skills are reaching new heights. We took a walk on Monday, Hannah back in her Ergo which has been gathering dust as she grows heavier and more independent, and the fall colors were indescribably beautiful.
And as usual, my little Zen master has so much to teach me. I am quite possibly obsessed with always going somewhere and doing something. Lazy days at home are a struggle for me. When my daughter clearly asks for what she needs, and I know it's what is best for her - "stay home, mommy" - I must surrender. I must slow down. I must stop doing.
Of course, life will return to it's normal pace, which is usually too fast. So tomorrow, I'm hoping to set aside my stupid guilt, let go of my need to do, and just let myself - and my little darling - BE.
I am reminded of a favorite quote (which I've probably used before, but oh well). "The days are long, but the years are short."
